Reflections on my reflective ‘Celibacy’ piece & Non-Consensual Sex Acts

To better understand this post please read my piece on ‘Celibacy’ by clicking on the title link above.

Wow, I just re-read this post after so long, and I must amend a few statements made in it.

I have come to realise that it is unfair to expect close ones to have disposable time focusing on helping me. I have helped myself as much as I can with regards to the aforementioned, and have had some help along the way, which I am extremely grateful for.

I still think polyamory has the potential for being more hurtful than serial monogamy, and if not more hurtful than more wary-making in the long-term. Because of the experiences mentioned in my ‘Celibacy’ post and two recent experiences of non-consensual sex acts (I don’t really know what terminology is appropriate), I think I have become more wary, but I am trying to not let that get in the way of living.

I’ve only recently become OK with discussing these non-consensual sex acts, whereas before I was getting caught up with terminology. So since I didn’t have a name to call what happened to me, I found it difficult to talk about my experiences. Also because I was unsure of what to call these experiences, I was also unsure of what had happened to me, and therefore my reactions to these experiences I found hard to validated or justify within myself. I know this sounds silly, but that is what was going on. No one should have to second guess their feelings, non-consensual sex act or otherwise. I do understand it though, it is a non-consensual situation, and to feel disempowered is what happens initially. Now that I have found myself a fitting name for what happened to me, I can finally talk about it, and be OK :)

Short Erotic Story

This is a short story I wrote really quickly. I am aware of the gender confusion, and the perspective confusion, it is all deliberate. Enjoy.

Her mouth had been hurting for a while now. The gag around her face secured the used underwear that had been forced into her mouth. That’s what she came to realise when she woke, as her eyes adjusted to the dim light the recognition of her surrounds sank in. It was dam, and there was not much daylight, all was silent apart from a tap dripping somewhere off into the distance. This made her think that there may not be any people around to free her from her predicament. She was tied to a pole, legs spread wide whilst she knelt on her knees and sat on her feet. Her body and arms were bound to the pole protruding from the concrete floor. There was some more bondage around her bent knees of each leg, around her thighs and calf so they were forced to be bent and her feet tied at the ankle. There was another taut piece of rope on the outer side of her legs that connected the thigh/calf to the ankle bond then to the protruding pole, it was there to force and keep her bent legs spread wide. She looked down at her crotch to see that there was liquid oozing from her swollen lips that were unashamedly on display. She saw the welts on her breasts and inner thigh and from that the pain registered in her mind like stinging memories.

All she remembered from before she blacked out was pleading with her eyes for her master to put something… anything inside her since her mouth and limbs were temporarily debilitated and she had no other means to communicate. Her master was just about to show her some mercy and began to slowly step towards her, with the sound of each step crisply resonating against the concrete floor of the abandoned warehouse. She looked down at her master’s shoes which she just freshly spit polished before getting bound, kneeling before her, on her hands and knees, arse up in the air that was red from a spanking. The slave’s eyes widened as she realised that her master was about to rub her spit polished shoes on her sopping cunt that was aching to be filled. Her master loved making her beg to be fucked, but since she was gagged she decided to take pity on her and shoved the front of her pointed shoe into her loose wide cunt which willingly accepted it. A low moan escaped her gagged lips, and a squelching noise arose as she began bucking her hips in a rhythmic fashion on her master’s shoe. Her foot was angled up for her pleasure, resting on the spike of her high heels.

Throughout all this her master realised that her slave could not take her eyes off her crotch. So she decided while her slave bucked on her shoe, to take her dick out of her pants, un-gag her slave and hold her dick just out of reach of her slave’s yearning mouth.

“To get what you want, you have to beg, slut.” Her master said simply.

She was holding the back of her slaves head firmly in place by her hair so she wouldn’t get an extra helping of cock before she earns it by begging.

She loved it when her master humiliated her and after some moans of pleasure she was able to muster, “Please ram your big cock into my mouth, sir,” exasperatedly.

And so I did, and as I looked down at her, I could tell she was in ecstasy. I previously had rubbed our lover's semen all over my big black silicone dildo so she can taste and smell his cock on it and salivate from it. Her saliva lube helped me fuck her mouth just how she liked it, and I was glad she mastered the art of breathing through her nose. I was tempted to hold her nose shut just so I could make tears form in her eyes, (that is when I think she is most beautiful), but I retrained myself, as funny as that may sound.

Stretching My Copious Cunt

I've been doing a lot of solitary exploration lately, and the thing I like best is stretching my cunt. I've been able to stretch it to 11 inches around in circumference lately, and this has been a slow process that has taken since the year 2000. And although cunts seem to be very elastic, I think when I stretched it to a certain point I changed the appearance and tightness/looseness of it. I now look very open, and sometimes have trouble holding things in my vagina especially if they're small. I love how things just slip out because it's so loose and sloppy.

I have trouble talking about this to people, even if they are kinky folk, since there is so many issues tied up in loving my loose cunt.

At the age of 20 I was still a virgin and never had an orgasm, and one day I told one of my males friends this. He was really insistant that I go home and masturbate almost straight away. I had tried to masturbate once before to no avail, I just couldn't get the hang of it. This time after my friends persuasion, I tried again. This is when I realised that I love shoving big things inside me. It took a lot of time and a lot of lube. The part that I love, is that I did my own deflowering, because by the time I had sex for the first time, it didn't hurt at all... in fact my first time with a man was three hours and one of the most intense sexual experiences I have ever had.

I also love the idea of being a loose slut, who's cunt makes a squelching noise when it's fucked because it's greedy and insatiable, and shows just how slutty I am or can be. I like how the squelching noise humiliates and degrades me by showing what I really am.

The Melbourne Leather Festival

Train Fantasy

The following has been one of my fantasies in the past.  However, I’m not sure about now, but I decided to put it in writing anyway.  I hope you enjoy.

A slight fog settles around an outer suburban train line where most of the passengers at 8am in the morning are city bound.  The 9-5 suits are on their way to work.  Due to the fog and the men are mostly rugged up in their trench coats.The train in the dull winter morning fog makes a beautiful screeching sound as it comes to a stop in front of me.  On the train is full but there is still some moving space.  It is necessary for me to stand since there are no seats, and because of the train’s movement and fullness I am forced to accidentally brush against strangers.

I feel someone's cock swelling as it rubs against my full arse cheeks behind me, so I lend forward a little and lined up my wet cunt with his hard cock so I can take advantage of the rocking of the train and his uncontrollable thrusts.On their way to work the passengers were reading their broad papers that covered their faces.  I take advantage of the anonymity and kneel in front of a man in a black suit with full belly and a big bulge that made my mouth water longingly.I hear and feel him trying not to notice me but failing miserably with his grunts and moans of pleasure, the way his body tenses and releases.  He tries not to notice so I can continue pleasuring him without the half-awake passengers distracted with their papers noticing.  I did not care if they did, there would be more for me to play with if I was noticed.

There is a man behind me who had his ankles crossed and outstretched, and since I always thoroughly enjoy my face being fucked, and love kneeling in submission, rubbing my cunt on some man’s shoe would send me into beautiful agony.  So I position my cunt on top his clean, polished shoe.  It may have been the rocking of the train or the man grinding his shoe against me, I wasn’t sure.  All this is arousing me so much that I yearn to get fucked hard by anybody who was willing.As I look up from the crotch I was worshipping, I see a hard dick being pulled out of a standing man’s trousers.  He has seen what I’ve been doing and is willing to give me some relief.  I walked over to where he was standing by the doorway and bent over the hand rail that separated the two men and put the cock I was sucking back into my eager mouth, and waited to get fucked good and proper.

I am wearing a trench coat and nothing else, and so when I bent over the hand rail to suck off the man sitting in front of me, the bottom half of my coat slid up over my arse and down my back a little, leaving my arse and my legs exposed while the only other thing that was exposed was my head which was buried in a strangers crotch.The man standing behind me with his dick out of his pants finally pushed his thick dick into my wet pussy and stretched the walls of it as he fucked me.  Thankfully my mouth was gagged by the cock that filled my mouth so my sounds of pleasure were muffled by his thick cock.  A combination of the train’s rocking and the man’s fucking allowed for a pleasurable rhythm.  And I was very thankful that he was fucking me as hard and brutally as he could.
It has been my ultimate fantasy to be used as a fuck toy, and to my delight news of the last carriage of the 8:05am train spread and before I knew it my morning sexcapades became a regular thing where I get used like a fuck toy by the 9-5 suits that never show me their faces from behind their papers.

Celibacy

Just a disclaimer: This is not just a site where you would find erotica, it is also my blog. I have been going through intense psychological ups and downs as of late. And the ways in which it has affected my life is sleep (or too much there of), lack of the ability to enjoy what I used to, which obviously includes sex. I know how unfortunate this is, it is very frustrating to me and I want my old self back, but it is not as easy as it sounds.

So the next few postings most probably will not be about all the fun I have been having sexually, because I haven’t been, (having fun that is, otherwise I would tell you).

For those who don't know me personally, you may not be able to appreciate the gravity of the decision or journey it has taken for me to decide on being celibate for a while. Those who know me say that it will not last. This disheartens me and sometimes I just want to do it to prove them wrong, but I am always overpowered by the underlying melancholy which led me to make the decision in the first place.

I know I’m in an unhealthy state of mind for it to come to this, I also know that celibacy will not actually fix what I have going down psychologically, but I do know that to abstain from sex (for now) sure won’t make things worse. I feel very damaged inside, and if I let someone close enough for me to want to have sex with them I fear getting hurt. I know this is cowardly, but getting hurt after I have opened up to someone happened way too regularly recently, in the past year or so.

The last few times that I got hurt were due to my two love interests being monogamous people while I was upfront with they from the beginning about being polyamorous they eventually revealed that they could not stand it. I think being polyamorous opens people up to being hurt more and focusing too much on sexual relationships since there is more than one person to give your time and energies to. It was a horrible situation for all parties involved, and I never could find an amiable solution apart from promising monogamy, which was broken fast with the person who I tried to stop seeing.

I feel as though I have been very sexually hurt by these people, as well as mentally.

Whenever I want to have sex and know there is no one I feel safe and intimate enough with to do it with or whenever I watch porn, I end up crying. There seems to be no one I can depend upon, open up to, have an intimate relationship with regardless of whether sex is involved or not. I feel like I would be burdening my friends if I opened up to them about this, they have busy lives and can’t really spend the time to try and help me.

Woo Hoo! My blogs back!

So I've deceided to be celibate for a while... this is completely willing, as apposed to some unwilling celibates I know.

More about this later after I've had some sleep since it is almost 5am. The hunger pains of staying up too late are kicking in with vengence, and to try and fall asleep with the nagging will prove to be difficult.

Strap-on Sex

I think we both enjoyed the way I woke her up and the day we spent together in bed which proceeded it. I feel like I can explore my many sexual fantasies and desires with her, since I feel more comfortable with her than most of the women I know. Most of the day is kind of a blur to try and remember the chronological order of events because of the nature of them, but there are things that ‘stick out’ *giggles*

Playing with strap-ons are really difficult! I had only ever fucked guys with them before, though not very often unfortunately. This was say… the first time in maybe 3 or 4 months that I ‘dusted it off and put it back on’ to quote a King Missile song. And use it I did! Man, they’re fun! I wish I had a cunt AND a dick. That would be sooo cool. I’d get to fuck things without having the hassle and deliberation of adjusting the darn harness and dildo, and it’ll always be there, I wouldn’t have to come prepared with my bag of tricks everywhere! I’m thinking that from now on I’ll just always have it in my car for emergency strap-on sexcapades. *lol*

I wish I could wear my harness and dildo under my clothes, but they are kind of made to stick out and up! So skirts are definitely out of the question, unless I want my legs to be extra drafty I guess. Trousers, I’d definitely look like I’ve got a boner all the time, and may look like a Tom of Finland character… though I’m not sure that is a bad thing ;)

Bodily Pleasures

I think that I should give a spiritual context to why I am the way that I am.  I don’t know what will happen when I die, there are many perceived and unperceived possibilities as to what may happen after death.  I didn’t want to end up as an immaterial spirit floating around with no body regretting I didn’t use it more, destined to floating around immaterial for all eternity.  So I decided a long time ago that I would make the most of all bodily pleasures and sensations for as long as I can.

A Horrible Family Long Weekend Away, but a reallly nice welcome back...

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