Sunday, May 07, 2006

Celibacy

Just a disclaimer: This is not just a site where you would find erotica, it is also my blog. I have been going through intense psychological ups and downs as of late. And the ways in which it has affected my life is sleep (or too much there of), lack of the ability to enjoy what I used to, which obviously includes sex. I know how unfortunate this is, it is very frustrating to me and I want my old self back, but it is not as easy as it sounds.

So the next few postings most probably will not be about all the fun I have been having sexually, because I haven’t been, (having fun that is, otherwise I would tell you).

For those who don't know me personally, you may not be able to appreciate the gravity of the decision or journey it has taken for me to decide on being celibate for a while. Those who know me say that it will not last. This disheartens me and sometimes I just want to do it to prove them wrong, but I am always overpowered by the underlying melancholy which led me to make the decision in the first place.

I know I’m in an unhealthy state of mind for it to come to this, I also know that celibacy will not actually fix what I have going down psychologically, but I do know that to abstain from sex (for now) sure won’t make things worse. I feel very damaged inside, and if I let someone close enough for me to want to have sex with them I fear getting hurt. I know this is cowardly, but getting hurt after I have opened up to someone happened way too regularly recently, in the past year or so.

The last few times that I got hurt were due to my two love interests being monogamous people while I was upfront with they from the beginning about being polyamorous they eventually revealed that they could not stand it. I think being polyamorous opens people up to being hurt more and focusing too much on sexual relationships since there is more than one person to give your time and energies to. It was a horrible situation for all parties involved, and I never could find an amiable solution apart from promising monogamy, which was broken fast with the person who I tried to stop seeing.

I feel as though I have been very sexually hurt by these people, as well as mentally.

Whenever I want to have sex and know there is no one I feel safe and intimate enough with to do it with or whenever I watch porn, I end up crying. There seems to be no one I can depend upon, open up to, have an intimate relationship with regardless of whether sex is involved or not. I feel like I would be burdening my friends if I opened up to them about this, they have busy lives and can’t really spend the time to try and help me.