Monday, April 25, 2016

Catch-up ***content warning.

WARNING:  I will be discussing a <<sexual assault>> that I have survived, it is _not_ especially pleasant.  Unfortunately, this is real.  Most of the stories posted on here are mere fantasy.


A lot of things have come to past in my life since my last post.  Some good, but mostly bad things.  I am feeling a lot of hatered from people who seem to like that they are an important player in my life.  I feel as though they are connected to the man who sexually assaulted me in 2011.  It profits him to defame my character.

My life was changed forever when I was raped late 2011 by a man masquerading as my friend.  This "friend" directly proceeding our "date" ripped a deep hole inside me, directly proceeding my refusal to engage in sexual intercourse with him.  I wanted to pass-out from being too intoxicated at that point, and was panic-stricken as to what he might do to me if I did that considering what he did to me while I was awake.  I obliged him.  This being the reason why the cops did not oblige me about it being a rape.

We were fully clothed when he seemed to fish-hook my rectum with his fingernail, that seemed especially sharp, as he curled it around the muscle of my sphincter inside me at about 12 o'clock, (which is how you would explain it to a doctor who asked where the scar was...).  I bled for 6 months from this.  Consistently and non-stop, (which ended funnily enough on April fool's day 2012).  He happened to dig his nail into me whilst I tried to remove it without causing more damage.  Tearing a line right down my rectum from behind my sphincter muscle, this being the worst part, re-tearing it every time I went to the dunnie.  I happened to be starving from my job not having paid me for two months at that time.  I really needed to eat but evacuating the food everyday hurt like hell.  I ended up starving for one whole year, eating 'til full would not stop this feeling.  This is when my back broke, late 2012.

I had made myself homeless just before so as I could go fruit-picking, but that never happened.  I aimed to go and explore an idea of mine that I had called: permaculture sculpture.  Instead, I was forced to move back home with my folks.  One of whom sexually abused me.  I have had one whole year of utter pain, one year of discomfort, and now year 3 has just been getting back on my feet slowly but surely.

I think I saw him early April this year as it happens, but he looks so different I can barely recognise him... he changed his name too.  This whole ordeal has given me agoraphobia and made me come to terms with my preexisting claustrophobia.  The latter is something that my mother gave me in the kitchen, and the former is something that he did, for fear of seeing him whilst being stuck in a crowd.  It would have been him that I told about my mum for the first time, but he raped me before I could.  I then sort counseling about it, and needed to ask for a male counselor considering it has been difficult for me to open up to a female about these issues initially.


Thanks for reading thus far.  Please leave comments if you found you can relate to this post.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Dear intellectual slut, I'll be honest, i cannot relate to your experience, as i have never been sexually assaulted. However, I want to send you lots of love, loving light and energy, hugs and hugs and hugs! It saddens me that you were taken advantage of by someone you trusted. I'm not sure how you are going today, but i hope you are on the mend. Hugs hugs hugs!