Catch-up ***content warning.

WARNING:  I will be discussing a <<sexual assault>> that I have survived, it is _not_ especially pleasant.  Unfortunately, this is real.  Most of the stories posted on here are mere fantasy.


A lot of things have come to past in my life since my last post.  Some good, but mostly bad things.  I am feeling a lot of hatered from people who seem to like that they are an important player in my life.  I feel as though they are connected to the man who sexually assaulted me in 2011.  It profits him to defame my character.

My life was changed forever when I was raped late 2011 by a man masquerading as my friend.  This "friend" directly proceeding our "date" ripped a deep hole inside me, directly proceeding my refusal to engage in sexual intercourse with him.  I wanted to pass-out from being too intoxicated at that point, and was panic-stricken as to what he might do to me if I did that considering what he did to me while I was awake.  I obliged him.  This being the reason why the cops did not oblige me about it being a rape.

We were fully clothed when he seemed to fish-hook my rectum with his fingernail, that seemed especially sharp, as he curled it around the muscle of my sphincter inside me at about 12 o'clock, (which is how you would explain it to a doctor who asked where the scar was...).  I bled for 6 months from this.  Consistently and non-stop, (which ended funnily enough on April fool's day 2012).  He happened to dig his nail into me whilst I tried to remove it without causing more damage.  Tearing a line right down my rectum from behind my sphincter muscle, this being the worst part, re-tearing it every time I went to the dunnie.  I happened to be starving from my job not having paid me for two months at that time.  I really needed to eat but evacuating the food everyday hurt like hell.  I ended up starving for one whole year, eating 'til full would not stop this feeling.  This is when my back broke, late 2012.

I had made myself homeless just before so as I could go fruit-picking, but that never happened.  I aimed to go and explore an idea of mine that I had called: permaculture sculpture.  Instead, I was forced to move back home with my folks.  One of whom sexually abused me.  I have had one whole year of utter pain, one year of discomfort, and now year 3 has just been getting back on my feet slowly but surely.

I think I saw him early April this year as it happens, but he looks so different I can barely recognise him... he changed his name too.  This whole ordeal has given me agoraphobia and made me come to terms with my preexisting claustrophobia.  The latter is something that my mother gave me in the kitchen, and the former is something that he did, for fear of seeing him whilst being stuck in a crowd.  It would have been him that I told about my mum for the first time, but he raped me before I could.  I then sort counseling about it, and needed to ask for a male counselor considering it has been difficult for me to open up to a female about these issues initially.


Thanks for reading thus far.  Please leave comments if you found you can relate to this post.

Exploring my Dominant Sexuality

It all began when my male friend of six years offered himself to me, (02-08). We were lying in bed together as platonic friends at this stage, naked and snuggling. The conversation turned to my “new found and long lost lesbianism,” and whether I would ever be with another man again. I had just recently told him about how I was sexually assaulted by a boyfriend I had at the time, a year ago by that stage, so I guess he understood my aggression towards men in general when I answered his question by saying that I do not really want to be with a man but that I would really like to break a man’s masculinity… and that is when he offered himself to me.

I gladly accepted “the challenge,” happy that I finally had someone that I trusted to explore with. I am still in the process of unlearning things, but I am finding it a great experience, and it has certainly changed me for the better as a person. I feel more self-assured, and more assertive, the list goes on. I find this grand, since these qualities are not very encouraged in women to begin with.

The things that were stopping me exploring my dominant sexuality before were just that I did not have anyone who I trusted enough to open up to in that way with. The fact that I have known him for years really does effect the quality of our communication, which I think is very important in a kinky relationship. There are more things that are not just givens. Don't get me wrong, we still have our really lame arse moments of confusion through a purple haze...

However, it is four months later and I still do not know how to break a man's masculinity. Any suggestions?

Funny Hand Gestures inside my Cunt...

I have spoken about stretching my cunt before, but last night it was the largest it has ever been. I masturbated in my friends shower the night before and used all of the bottles that were big enough for my large cunt. I slowly graduated up in size, leaving the bottle with the largest base for last. It was a flex shampoo bottle with a flanged base, and I always like to put things in wide-end first. Doing this really opened me up, and even when I took it out and there was not anything in there, it sure did look and feel verrry open, just the way I like it.

Last night, I ordered my slave to use as minimal lube as possible and only use his fingers in my hole and not around my vulva. My hole was already very open and did not need much prepping, this being from the years I have spent stretching it. I like it when he uses just a couple if not one finger to explore my openness however he wishes. Because one fist can barely touch the sides these days, with just one finger or two he was able to move those fingers from side to side inside my cunt, feeling the empty depths. Doing all kinds of hand gestures inside me, leaving me only to guess what he was doing since I can not really feel much anymore inside my accommodating cunt, I was really enjoying myself. Eight fingers doing the Vulcan sign from two hands, hooking his fingers on either side of my vulva lips and pulling them apart exposing my pink flesh and stretching my hole. Feeling stretched is a lovely feeling that I do not feel that often anymore since I am so loose.

I know it is strange to get off on the idea that I can not feel “normal” size things in my cunt, but it really turns me on. I just love how my cunt could make many men feel emasculinated, and that something relatively large, (not large to me!), could slip in without me noticing, (if I was not wearing any clothes!). I want to be able to go about my day with something large inside me at all times, or at least be held open always. I was thinking that I could get a latex body suit, that has the detail of a latex tubular part for insertion, with the opening completely attached to the rest of the body suit and the insertable end closed so I’ll be as covered in latex as much as possible. It would have a flexible but stiff frame embedded in it, which was designed to hold my cunt open as wide and deep as possible. If anyone knows of someone who could make this latex suit for me, I would greatly appreciate it if you contacted me about it.

Reflections on my reflective ‘Celibacy’ piece & Non-Consensual Sex Acts

To better understand this post please read my piece on ‘Celibacy’ by clicking on the title link above.

Wow, I just re-read this post after so long, and I must amend a few statements made in it.

I have come to realise that it is unfair to expect close ones to have disposable time focusing on helping me. I have helped myself as much as I can with regards to the aforementioned, and have had some help along the way, which I am extremely grateful for.

I still think polyamory has the potential for being more hurtful than serial monogamy, and if not more hurtful than more wary-making in the long-term. Because of the experiences mentioned in my ‘Celibacy’ post and two recent experiences of non-consensual sex acts (I don’t really know what terminology is appropriate), I think I have become more wary, but I am trying to not let that get in the way of living.

I’ve only recently become OK with discussing these non-consensual sex acts, whereas before I was getting caught up with terminology. So since I didn’t have a name to call what happened to me, I found it difficult to talk about my experiences. Also because I was unsure of what to call these experiences, I was also unsure of what had happened to me, and therefore my reactions to these experiences I found hard to validated or justify within myself. I know this sounds silly, but that is what was going on. No one should have to second guess their feelings, non-consensual sex act or otherwise. I do understand it though, it is a non-consensual situation, and to feel disempowered is what happens initially. Now that I have found myself a fitting name for what happened to me, I can finally talk about it, and be OK :)

Short Erotic Story

This is a short story I wrote really quickly. I am aware of the gender confusion, and the perspective confusion, it is all deliberate. Enjoy.

Her mouth had been hurting for a while now. The gag around her face secured the used underwear that had been forced into her mouth. That’s what she came to realise when she woke, as her eyes adjusted to the dim light the recognition of her surrounds sank in. It was dam, and there was not much daylight, all was silent apart from a tap dripping somewhere off into the distance. This made her think that there may not be any people around to free her from her predicament. She was tied to a pole, legs spread wide whilst she knelt on her knees and sat on her feet. Her body and arms were bound to the pole protruding from the concrete floor. There was some more bondage around her bent knees of each leg, around her thighs and calf so they were forced to be bent and her feet tied at the ankle. There was another taut piece of rope on the outer side of her legs that connected the thigh/calf to the ankle bond then to the protruding pole, it was there to force and keep her bent legs spread wide. She looked down at her crotch to see that there was liquid oozing from her swollen lips that were unashamedly on display. She saw the welts on her breasts and inner thigh and from that the pain registered in her mind like stinging memories.

All she remembered from before she blacked out was pleading with her eyes for her master to put something… anything inside her since her mouth and limbs were temporarily debilitated and she had no other means to communicate. Her master was just about to show her some mercy and began to slowly step towards her, with the sound of each step crisply resonating against the concrete floor of the abandoned warehouse. She looked down at her master’s shoes which she just freshly spit polished before getting bound, kneeling before her, on her hands and knees, arse up in the air that was red from a spanking. The slave’s eyes widened as she realised that her master was about to rub her spit polished shoes on her sopping cunt that was aching to be filled. Her master loved making her beg to be fucked, but since she was gagged she decided to take pity on her and shoved the front of her pointed shoe into her loose wide cunt which willingly accepted it. A low moan escaped her gagged lips, and a squelching noise arose as she began bucking her hips in a rhythmic fashion on her master’s shoe. Her foot was angled up for her pleasure, resting on the spike of her high heels.

Throughout all this her master realised that her slave could not take her eyes off her crotch. So she decided while her slave bucked on her shoe, to take her dick out of her pants, un-gag her slave and hold her dick just out of reach of her slave’s yearning mouth.

“To get what you want, you have to beg, slut.” Her master said simply.

She was holding the back of her slaves head firmly in place by her hair so she wouldn’t get an extra helping of cock before she earns it by begging.

She loved it when her master humiliated her and after some moans of pleasure she was able to muster, “Please ram your big cock into my mouth, sir,” exasperatedly.

And so I did, and as I looked down at her, I could tell she was in ecstasy. I previously had rubbed our lover's semen all over my big black silicone dildo so she can taste and smell his cock on it and salivate from it. Her saliva lube helped me fuck her mouth just how she liked it, and I was glad she mastered the art of breathing through her nose. I was tempted to hold her nose shut just so I could make tears form in her eyes, (that is when I think she is most beautiful), but I retrained myself, as funny as that may sound.

Stretching My Copious Cunt

I've been doing a lot of solitary exploration lately, and the thing I like best is stretching my cunt. I've been able to stretch it to 11 inches around in circumference lately, and this has been a slow process that has taken since the year 2000. And although cunts seem to be very elastic, I think when I stretched it to a certain point I changed the appearance and tightness/looseness of it. I now look very open, and sometimes have trouble holding things in my vagina especially if they're small. I love how things just slip out because it's so loose and sloppy.

I have trouble talking about this to people, even if they are kinky folk, since there is so many issues tied up in loving my loose cunt.

At the age of 20 I was still a virgin and never had an orgasm, and one day I told one of my males friends this. He was really insistant that I go home and masturbate almost straight away. I had tried to masturbate once before to no avail, I just couldn't get the hang of it. This time after my friends persuasion, I tried again. This is when I realised that I love shoving big things inside me. It took a lot of time and a lot of lube. The part that I love, is that I did my own deflowering, because by the time I had sex for the first time, it didn't hurt at all... in fact my first time with a man was three hours and one of the most intense sexual experiences I have ever had.

I also love the idea of being a loose slut, who's cunt makes a squelching noise when it's fucked because it's greedy and insatiable, and shows just how slutty I am or can be. I like how the squelching noise humiliates and degrades me by showing what I really am.

The Melbourne Leather Festival

Train Fantasy

The following has been one of my fantasies in the past.  However, I’m not sure about now, but I decided to put it in writing anyway.  I hope you enjoy.

A slight fog settles around an outer suburban train line where most of the passengers at 8am in the morning are city bound.  The 9-5 suits are on their way to work.  Due to the fog and the men are mostly rugged up in their trench coats.The train in the dull winter morning fog makes a beautiful screeching sound as it comes to a stop in front of me.  On the train is full but there is still some moving space.  It is necessary for me to stand since there are no seats, and because of the train’s movement and fullness I am forced to accidentally brush against strangers.

I feel someone's cock swelling as it rubs against my full arse cheeks behind me, so I lend forward a little and lined up my wet cunt with his hard cock so I can take advantage of the rocking of the train and his uncontrollable thrusts.On their way to work the passengers were reading their broad papers that covered their faces.  I take advantage of the anonymity and kneel in front of a man in a black suit with full belly and a big bulge that made my mouth water longingly.I hear and feel him trying not to notice me but failing miserably with his grunts and moans of pleasure, the way his body tenses and releases.  He tries not to notice so I can continue pleasuring him without the half-awake passengers distracted with their papers noticing.  I did not care if they did, there would be more for me to play with if I was noticed.

There is a man behind me who had his ankles crossed and outstretched, and since I always thoroughly enjoy my face being fucked, and love kneeling in submission, rubbing my cunt on some man’s shoe would send me into beautiful agony.  So I position my cunt on top his clean, polished shoe.  It may have been the rocking of the train or the man grinding his shoe against me, I wasn’t sure.  All this is arousing me so much that I yearn to get fucked hard by anybody who was willing.As I look up from the crotch I was worshipping, I see a hard dick being pulled out of a standing man’s trousers.  He has seen what I’ve been doing and is willing to give me some relief.  I walked over to where he was standing by the doorway and bent over the hand rail that separated the two men and put the cock I was sucking back into my eager mouth, and waited to get fucked good and proper.

I am wearing a trench coat and nothing else, and so when I bent over the hand rail to suck off the man sitting in front of me, the bottom half of my coat slid up over my arse and down my back a little, leaving my arse and my legs exposed while the only other thing that was exposed was my head which was buried in a strangers crotch.The man standing behind me with his dick out of his pants finally pushed his thick dick into my wet pussy and stretched the walls of it as he fucked me.  Thankfully my mouth was gagged by the cock that filled my mouth so my sounds of pleasure were muffled by his thick cock.  A combination of the train’s rocking and the man’s fucking allowed for a pleasurable rhythm.  And I was very thankful that he was fucking me as hard and brutally as he could.
It has been my ultimate fantasy to be used as a fuck toy, and to my delight news of the last carriage of the 8:05am train spread and before I knew it my morning sexcapades became a regular thing where I get used like a fuck toy by the 9-5 suits that never show me their faces from behind their papers.