Celibacy

Just a disclaimer: This is not just a site where you would find erotica, it is also my blog. I have been going through intense psychological ups and downs as of late. And the ways in which it has affected my life is sleep (or too much there of), lack of the ability to enjoy what I used to, which obviously includes sex. I know how unfortunate this is, it is very frustrating to me and I want my old self back, but it is not as easy as it sounds.

So the next few postings most probably will not be about all the fun I have been having sexually, because I haven’t been, (having fun that is, otherwise I would tell you).

For those who don't know me personally, you may not be able to appreciate the gravity of the decision or journey it has taken for me to decide on being celibate for a while. Those who know me say that it will not last. This disheartens me and sometimes I just want to do it to prove them wrong, but I am always overpowered by the underlying melancholy which led me to make the decision in the first place.

I know I’m in an unhealthy state of mind for it to come to this, I also know that celibacy will not actually fix what I have going down psychologically, but I do know that to abstain from sex (for now) sure won’t make things worse. I feel very damaged inside, and if I let someone close enough for me to want to have sex with them I fear getting hurt. I know this is cowardly, but getting hurt after I have opened up to someone happened way too regularly recently, in the past year or so.

The last few times that I got hurt were due to my two love interests being monogamous people while I was upfront with they from the beginning about being polyamorous they eventually revealed that they could not stand it. I think being polyamorous opens people up to being hurt more and focusing too much on sexual relationships since there is more than one person to give your time and energies to. It was a horrible situation for all parties involved, and I never could find an amiable solution apart from promising monogamy, which was broken fast with the person who I tried to stop seeing.

I feel as though I have been very sexually hurt by these people, as well as mentally.

Whenever I want to have sex and know there is no one I feel safe and intimate enough with to do it with or whenever I watch porn, I end up crying. There seems to be no one I can depend upon, open up to, have an intimate relationship with regardless of whether sex is involved or not. I feel like I would be burdening my friends if I opened up to them about this, they have busy lives and can’t really spend the time to try and help me.

Woo Hoo! My blogs back!

So I've deceided to be celibate for a while... this is completely willing, as apposed to some unwilling celibates I know.

More about this later after I've had some sleep since it is almost 5am. The hunger pains of staying up too late are kicking in with vengence, and to try and fall asleep with the nagging will prove to be difficult.

Strap-on Sex

I think we both enjoyed the way I woke her up and the day we spent together in bed which proceeded it. I feel like I can explore my many sexual fantasies and desires with her, since I feel more comfortable with her than most of the women I know. Most of the day is kind of a blur to try and remember the chronological order of events because of the nature of them, but there are things that ‘stick out’ *giggles*

Playing with strap-ons are really difficult! I had only ever fucked guys with them before, though not very often unfortunately. This was say… the first time in maybe 3 or 4 months that I ‘dusted it off and put it back on’ to quote a King Missile song. And use it I did! Man, they’re fun! I wish I had a cunt AND a dick. That would be sooo cool. I’d get to fuck things without having the hassle and deliberation of adjusting the darn harness and dildo, and it’ll always be there, I wouldn’t have to come prepared with my bag of tricks everywhere! I’m thinking that from now on I’ll just always have it in my car for emergency strap-on sexcapades. *lol*

I wish I could wear my harness and dildo under my clothes, but they are kind of made to stick out and up! So skirts are definitely out of the question, unless I want my legs to be extra drafty I guess. Trousers, I’d definitely look like I’ve got a boner all the time, and may look like a Tom of Finland character… though I’m not sure that is a bad thing ;)

Bodily Pleasures

I think that I should give a spiritual context to why I am the way that I am.  I don’t know what will happen when I die, there are many perceived and unperceived possibilities as to what may happen after death.  I didn’t want to end up as an immaterial spirit floating around with no body regretting I didn’t use it more, destined to floating around immaterial for all eternity.  So I decided a long time ago that I would make the most of all bodily pleasures and sensations for as long as I can.

A Horrible Family Long Weekend Away, but a reallly nice welcome back...

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